Day 220– November 15, 2014

I’ll be single tonight. Today I break up with Greg. Again. I hate hellos, goodbyes, and transitions.

I would usually argue here why he is terrible for me. This is not fair and not the forum. He is wonderfully kind, sweet, and caring.

However, I’m full of dread and resignation. I have not thought much else for a week but what I might say to him. I can no longer approach anyone socially until I approach him, so I have stayed shut home for weeks. I’m so conflict adverse that I avoid break-ups. I want everyone to get along that I suppress my difficult thoughts.

After our previous break-up about two years ago, insomnia set in. I went crazy with worry about Greg and blame for my maliciousness to make the relationship – all relationships – work. Over sleepless nights and hazy days I constantly wondered where he was and who cared for him.

Some of those incapacitating feelings shall return. I’m better prepared this time around. I have been grieving for weeks.

I hope we can eventually be good friends.