It is easier to blame another for your own faults. Last fall, I amassed a list of Greg’s limitations: he doesn’t, he can’t, he never, he doesn’t want to. Once started, firewood was everywhere to throw on the burning pile. I had my recriminations – now just to finesse the break-up.
I faulted him for what I was guilty of myself. I never learned what he did for a living, where he worked, or with whom. Yet, I never discussed my job with him. When we ran into a work colleague at a local coffee shop early on in our relationship, I was too shy and stupid to introduce Greg!
I assumed that since Greg has been through the relationship cycle before, he would lead us onward and make everything right. No need to ask or bring up my own needs. That’s his job.
You can’t fix someone else. Change is self-change, so be the change. I talk like Obama. Don’t demand others do for you what you should do yourself. If I need openness and intimacy, I need to be open and intimate, not just with my primary partner but with myself and the world.
I ask, “Is the issue him, or is this really about me?” This is likely about me.