Day 295– January 28, 2015
Last night, everything shifted. My sorrow ebbed and I filled with amazing:
I’m so grateful for Greg’s presence in my life.
I’m grateful to have met him. I am grateful for the courage to date him. He got me to come out to my friends and family (although not all), not only as someone who dates (and fucks) men but also as someone who dates – capable and desirous of love, no longer chronically single and alone, not just a sidelines observer of the successes and failures of other people’s relationships.
I’m grateful that he got to me grow. He taught me to speak, to listen, and to roar. I’m grateful for the space and encouragement to become me.
I’m grateful for commitment. My time with him could have been just one night, a few week dalliance, or a summer romance. Far easier and safer to hide and move on from him than to put more on the line. For once, I choose what I wanted – to be with him – willingly foregoing other opportunities. I’m so grateful to have stayed.
I’m grateful to have left. I’m grateful courageously to end a relationship that was draining, stultifying, and stuck. I’m grateful for my thrashing, my uncertainty, and my mistakes. It wasn’t easy, pleasant, or quick to dump him, but I’m grateful for change.
I’m grateful for the endless sorrow, reflection, and maudlin gentleness. I’m grateful for these months of quiet, clarity, and reconnection. I have grown, I am growing, I will grow. I am flexible, I am raw, I am powerful, I am meek, I am kind, I am amazed.
I’m grateful to be wrong, to be uncertain, to be unwise. I’m grateful to learn not to want what I thought I should want, to let in ambiguity and difference, to shift, to accept grudgingly and then gracefully what is.
I’m grateful to feel so strongly, to hurt so deeply, to want so much, to throw myself so hard into life, and to scald myself so willingly.
I’m so grateful for the uncertain future, for the panoply of possibilities, for working so hard, for loving so much.
I’m so grateful.